Episode 77: How is Your Heart Today? Grief, Vulnerability, Shame, and Inviting Your Emotions to the Table with Tammy Faulds
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Episode 77: How is Your Heart Today? Grief, Vulnerability, Shame, and Inviting Your Emotions to the Table with Tammy Faulds
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Full Transcript:
00:00.00
Carla
Hey, it's Chef Carla and welcome to show up fully. This is a podcast where I share what it's like to show up for your real life. If you don't know me, I'm a food stylist and content creation coach, you can find me. It's Carla Contreras on Instagram and Tiktok. In more information in today's show notes. Today's guest is Tammy Faulds, and we have tried to create this podcast, I don't know, maybe half a dozen times. And it's just incredible to be able to roll with life, to be able to laugh with you, Tammy, to be able to just be in your presence. I met Tammy through a group on Facebook a million years ago, and I'm gonna let you Tammy introduce yourself and how you serve the world.
00:53
Tammy
Well, I mean, what a great intro. Yeah, it's laughable how many times you've tried to attack or the world or holidays. And anyway, we made it. So first of all, thank you so much for the invite, and for having me. And yeah, hi. Hi, I'm Tammy, and I am from Toronto, Canada, and I am a grief coach. So I help people, I guide them through loss back to life, because we all have loss in our lives. And we generally don't talk about it. And I want to shine a loving light on this traditionally sort of darker, heavier space that we find ourselves in from time to time.
01:36
Carla
That's so beautiful. It's really beautiful. Because your work encompasses all forms of grief, not just one particular. And I'm gonna use this in terms of cooking flavor.
01:52
Tammy
Yeah, grief is most often associated with death. So you know, someone dies, and we think, Okay, now I'm going to be going through grief, which yes, obviously very much connected to that. But there's actually over 40 types of loss that we tend to encounter in life, death, divorce diagnosis, sort of being like the big three. And what I often talk about is the more intangible losses, which when you think about the pandemic, loss of routine safety, normalcy community, you know, trust, maybe even faith, those sorts of things that you can't quite see, touch taste, you know, but do we feel them and you know, even things like anticipatory grief, so maybe someone you know, has been diagnosed, or even near dementia, that sort of thing really know something's coming. And you have to navigate that time in between, you know, there's all different types of grief and loss out there. And that's the right the breadth that I'm trying to bring into a normal conversation about that. So if there is a silver lining, one thing of the pandemic is that we're, we're finally talking about these things. We're not just saying, hey, caller How you doing? Oh, great, you've moved, like, you know, you move on, it's like, struggling today, you know, and then having these really open vulnerable conversations about it to help normalize it, and validate how we're feeling and not just say, like, shove it to the sub basement of our soul, because that's what we're taught, right that grief and sadness are bad things. And we don't talk about them. We toughen up, Soldier On, chin up and push forward.
03:25
Carla
I think that's the perfect time for us to have our pause. We talked about this before we jumped on the podcast, with you lead us through a brief moment to be with ourselves.
03:41
Tammy
Yeah, and it's a perfect time, because sometimes even just talking about death, or grief, or sadness or loss, really does, you know, activate some things in us and emotions and that sort of thing. So, posture, first feet on the ground, hips, you know, feeling just the support beneath the chair or couch, whatever you're sitting on, review it for a walk, just feeling the ground beneath you shoulders back and down, spine tall, elegant. And just take a notice of your breath. So even as you think about these topics, what's coming up for you, how is your breath responding? Just checking in no judgement. Breath is often a barometer for what's going on in our body so it's short and jagged. Maybe up around the collarbones to try to lengthen, smooth it out. The aim of getting the bad breath down to the belly so it can rebound and lift your heart just noticing just being with yourself asking how is your heart today honoring whatever is there. Perhaps it's joyful. Perhaps it's a little sad. Welcome at all now the breath to just smooth out any rough edges. body goes mind will follow. So if you can calm the body can calm the mind where deep breath in and exhale at the mouth notice any shifts just from taking that middle minute pause when you're ready to slowly, sweetly, gently blink the eyes back. Hi.
06:22
Carla
That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that practice with everyone. I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks about it.
06:29
Tammy
I think the the breath is the most underutilized factory installed, you know tool that we have. It's a mess all the time. And tapping into that, again, it's really is a barometer for how we're feeling. So if it's short, right, we can calm that down. It's in those moments where you're feeling emotional. First thing I turned to is the breath. Honoring what's there accepting, acknowledging, and then using the breath to move it through.
07:01
Carla
I love this. I love it so much want to talk about food? So that we can shift into showing up. I love to ask everyone. What was your last meal?
07:16
Tammy
I had a bacon and egg wrap and coffee for breakfast.
07:22
Carla
That sounds delicious. Yeah, that's good. It's
07:25
Tammy
cold here. Right? So I wanted something nice and warm and comforting.
07:28
Carla
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I asked you about showing up. This podcast is called show up fully for reason, because we're asked in all these different spaces. And I'm gonna include grief, which I have not included in this before. But I have included religion and spirituality and relationships and business and all these different spaces. But I find it interesting to bring grief into the conversation of showing up. And I often ask people, how they show up, but more importantly, why they show up? What's the why behind showing up? And we'll get into what you do when you don't want to show up after that.
08:17
Tammy
Well, it's interesting because you say showing up and I put the emphasis on fully. Right? Because we're taught, right? Oh, the joyful, happy rainbows, Sunshine lollipop moments, right? You look at your social media feed, that's what we're promoting, but to be really wholehearted, right is to show up also, for these heavier, you know, emotional things. They're so, so good. So obviously, like, I would ask you, how are you showing up? For those for that side, kind of the more shadowy sides of ourselves? And, and then asking, even I'm a coach. Right? So I can't help but ask question. But to also ask them, you know, like you asked, Why, why do we show up? And are you showing up for those sides of yourself so that you were not orphaning? or abandoning any of those things and shoving them down? Invite them to the table, right? If you think of that as a meal, you know, so grief is showing up today. Beautiful, come in, you're welcome here. Yeah. How? How can we help you? What are you here to teach me, you know, befriending these emotions. And the why, for me, for showing up. And especially again, in this space of grief is being there, you know, for people and, and with grief, especially we often worry about I don't want to say the wrong thing. Um, so you know, we're at alcoholism tomorrow. And you have the best of intentions and we do this. And then a day goes by, and then that becomes a week and you're like, oh, now I'm just in a shame spiral because my friend's father died. And I just I wasn't able to show up for them. And it's even more vulnerable. The circle back two weeks later, you know, Don't say oh my gosh, you know, Carla, I'm so sad. I'm so sorry, I wasn't able to be there for you. I'm here, you know, how can I be of support and not worrying about what it is that you're going to say? It's the showing up that matters. It's why funerals are such a display of trust, that really does build trust with people. Because in those moments, looking around that room and just seeing Wow, there's like, you know, whatever, 50 100 people here, who are literally showing up for me, they don't even have to say a word, but they're there, Glenn, and Doyle has that beautiful story where her sister was grieving, and she just sat outside her door, like I'm here. And this is why it's important to show up. So I'd love that that's the basis of your podcast, right? of why it's just so important to show up, to be there to connect, you know, with our loved ones when they need us, especially.
10:54
Carla
So if someone was, and I feel like I was reading this, I can't remember, what is the source? If I find it, I'll drop it into the show notes. But how do we show up in terms of other areas of grief in our lives, and or for other people, because I know for me personally, and I do have a podcast episode, it's called my $38,000 lesson is, me and my start as a digital entrepreneur, and it's rough, and there was a lot of grief in there. And I wonder how we can show up for things that are not necessarily linked to life or death.
11:42
Tammy
I would start with just the definition of grief that I use from the Grief Recovery Institute, which is grief is the change of or and change and or end of a familiar pattern of behavior. Right. So starting a new business, and maybe having some losses around that which may be a financial more tangible, or just that death of a dream, you know, or expectations that won't be fulfilled and that sort of thing. So kind of just starting with that. And understanding again, that's what grief really does encompass. And showing up for that, you know, is for me a reflective practice, but always begins with awareness, and acceptance of where you're at. So not like, oh, I should be making X amount of money. I'm just thinking your entrepreneur example. And I haven't listened to that episode, but Right, but it's like, oh, I shouldn't be I shouldn't have lost $38,000 or whatever was that happened? Accepting that? Going? Okay, here's where I'm at, how can I meet myself there? How can I show up for myself? How can I speak with compassion and kindness? You know, for this thing that I tried and didn't go the way I thought it would? That is all grief, you know, it's that it's, again, that change in the familiar pattern of behavior, or, you know, wishing things are different, better or more than what they are? Or, and or the loss of hopes and dreams and expectations for the future. Alright, so if you can kind of contextualize it that way, then that leads the or shines a bit more of a light on a path of like, okay, that is grief. When you're in the pandemic was on there was a great Harvard Business Review article that said, that discomfort you're feeling. That's grief, because all of us hadn't really contextualize it that way before, right? We all just think grief with death. So being able, right, we're in the pandemic. I've gone through all this stuff. It's such a fast, you know, amount of time. Oh, this doesn't feel good. I feel kind of uncomfortable. And maybe I say like scratchy. It's like, oh, I just don't feel right in my body, you know. So being able just to meet yourself there show up for yourself in that way and understand that it's normal. The way you're feeling.
13:47
Carla
I'm trying to think there was an I feel like it was a it was either a New York Times or The New York of the emphasises a word languishing. And I feel like that's that each you like, I can't even feel knowing body. Like wow, what Yes,
14:05
Tammy
yeah. And it just helps us again, right? Go, Oh, okay. I'm not alone. Grief can feel very isolating. Like, oh, there's actually a term for that, which then expands your world, you know, because your limits are your language, right. So the more we can be like, Oh, okay, there's a term for that. There's also great work being done by Mark Brackett, who, yesterday is emotional intelligence at Yale. They have some awesome apps, I'll give you the link for them. So you can put them in the show notes that really just help with that emotional granularity. So that again, we're taught three kind of main ones right? Mad, sad, glad. How are you feeling? I'm good, you know, or, Oh, I'm really angry. There are hundreds of emotions and the more we can get in touch with that language, so not angry, I'm disappointed. Right. Which reminds me of parents. You know, when your parent says I'm disappointed in you often it's so different, right? But understand the same thing with sadness, you know, it's like, oh, she I'm lonely, or I'm feeling anxious. It helps us to expand our worlds. Because even if you and I are in conversation, and I can really get down to that, yeah, like, I'm feeling really lonely right now, you're going to respond to me in a different way than I've just said, I'm sad. Right, you're going to be able to show up differently for me, help, you know, be there with me in that and help. Help me move through, you know?
15:33
Carla
Yeah, there's a distinction there. And I do find myself personally pulling out that wheel. Because I have two young kids. And sometimes it's not so clear cut. Right?
15:52
Tammy
And multiple or even conflicting emotions at the same time. That's another, you know, tentative grief to is conflicting, confusing emotions at the same time, there may be relief, and, you know, sadness or joy, right. Laughing You know, in these moments, right. Oh, I should be sad. This is a funeral. Right? It's really, again, not wholehearted that fully being there in that moment.
16:18
Carla
Can we talk about shame? Because I know that you're trained by Brene. Brown. And I would love to, like link the to shame and grief, and how those two are connected.
16:33
Tammy
Yeah, they're wrote a blog on that about the Toxic Twins. That's what I call them. Because they both live in secrecy. Silence and judgment. Right, we we judge ourselves for why have I not over the shed, we broke up, you know, a year ago, I can't believe I'm still here. And that, you know, kind of kicks off that shame spiral that we feel not good enough, you know, and all those come up. But we don't ever talk about the neck being the literal, physical body bottleneck of the body, right? You just look at yourself, it's like, my head's the cork, this is the bottleneck. And then we stuff it all down. So we'll have these feelings of shame and grief that again, are full contact emotions, right? They manifest physically, emotionally, spiritually, you know, everyone can have those stories of being on the couch, or just, you know, I joke about the pity party, you know, it's like, I'm having the tub of ice cream, the Netflix, you know, wine, all the things to help bring that comfort to me. And that's natural. And of course, you want to seek those because these are painful, again, like full contact emotions. So they're, they're linked together. I mean, obviously, people have to, there wouldn't be me to do the research would be someone like Brene, who is talking more about that. And even she admits she's like I kind of steered away from, from grief for awhile, because it was just so hard to contextualize and make sure I was getting that full picture of it. And, yeah, it's things that we need to talk about, because the more we can shine the light on these universal things that we go through. We all have some shame in our lives, we are all going through loss. You can't get through life without experiencing those. So the more we can have these very heartfelt, open, vulnerable conversations about it. That's the antidote, right? As Rene would say, you can put that shame in a petri dish, dose it with empathy. It can't survive. So the more we can be like, Yeah, this this, this does suck right now. I'm here for you. Right? Like I you see people's shoulders just drop, like, I don't even know what to say. I'm just so glad you told me. Right, like, ah, and there's that. It brings in that pause of like, yeah, thank you. That's it. You know, so those two are in our lives and again, we just need to honor and acknowledge them. They just want to be seen and heard and know they matter. As much as joy and happiness and love and right and that's actually when you get into so my Yogi side, the chakra system. The shadow of the heart chakra is grief. Right? So the high knowing how those are even interlinked, and they're always going to play together. Oh, Queen Elizabeth right. That was one of her great lines is the price of the price of love is grief. But honoring it all.
19:33
Carla
Yeah. Tammy want to ask you about sitting with feelings? Because you talked about like the act of ice cream Netflix. A lot of act of them's What is it like to I don't know I'm gonna use the language of like, be in grief
19:59
Tammy
refinance. You You can individual to everyone. So just understanding that as well, there is no like one way, there's no right or wrong, you know way to do it. If you and I were sisters Yeah. And our, our father died, we could have completely, completely different responses to that. And both are valid and true and okay. So being with it is going to be unique to you, for me, it's inviting it in. And I tried to. And so let's say we are talking about a death, I try to actually almost feminize it. Because I think in our society here, and obviously, in Western culture, it's like this new imagery of the Grim Reaper versus black dark figure that like pops out of the shadows and comes in, you don't expect them to steal children from the woods, or whatever, it's just kind of weird. I don't know how that even came to be. I prefer to think of it as a more feminine presence. So I just saw you like, take a sip your tea there, right? Like she has a cup of tea, she's maybe in like a nice flowy gown, you know, that wants to have a chat with you that come sit on the couch with me, you know. And again, I just want to be seen and honored and know that I matter too. Because as soon as we feel it again, we tend to shove it away. So to be with it is for me having a conversation. And one of my favorite tools. And it's in my my workbook is put together was have any emotion, write you a letter, but let's say it is sadness. So, you cozy up, you have a cup of tea together. And sadness. You know, what, what do you want to tell me? What is it? I need to know? Why are you here? And right, it just it's entering into that with love versus I can't believe this, like, you know, we're here again or again, I'm still in this state. And I'm fighting, fighting, fighting. What if you were to flow with it instead? See what they have to say. And then write a letter in return. Sadness, I honor you. Thank you so much for being here. I know you're a part of me. I've heard what you had to say. Right? Again, it's going to be unique to you. But and here's my thoughts on that. Because what it is, is just really moving the emotion through I think of emotions as energy in motion. So again, if we, if we stop it, stop it, like, No, I'm not feeling you, I'm going to write. And there's a million ways we can, we can find different ways to cope. But it's being mindful about that fine line between comfort and numbing. So comfort for me, is a couple squares of chocolate, blissful, maybe a glass of wine numbing is going to be finishing the whole bar, going through the whole bottle of wine not really even remembering. No, because I just went through all that are eating the whole exam to the bottom of the bag of chips, you're like, oh my gosh, how did this even happen? And again, but again, you can do anything, right? It can be I had a client who was working out three times a day, like but it's healthy, but again, is it You're escaping to the gym, or you know, is actually bringing you comfort. So I went a little tangent there, but just knowing that it's unique to you and, and being with it just means literally that giving it space and time. And sometimes it's not even that long can be like a five minute. Again, for me, it's more of a conversation. Hi, are you doing? What are you here to teach me? Let's walk this path together. And then often it's, you know, they calm down after that. It's when it's it's boiling inside you. Yeah, but it tends to then flare up at times that we don't want it at the Christmas party, you're like, ah, and then all these emotions come out. So the more we can kind of release that core, you know, and let them out in that space and time that we can create for it.
23:50
Carla
I have another question. So I feel like not showing up. I don't know how to ask this question to you. Because I feel like no, what is it? Like? Perhaps with clients? What is it like for them to not show up for their grief? And then perhaps, seek to work with you?
24:16
Tammy
Yes, I would say well, it's back to that numbing piece. They're recognizing that, oh, this is actually really impeding my life. The the kind of common refrain I hear is, I just don't know who I am anymore. I want to get back to my happy, joyful self. And for some, it's, it's physical things like sleep are there. It's just funny. It's right. It's either too much sleep or too little eating too much or not enough stomach pains. Yeah, there's different ways that that grief can manifest in Chinese medicine. I know it's more the lungs, right. So they may have some respiratory issues. So there's different ways that they'll get that sign. Sometimes it's also just their friends and family. Being like how you you know we haven't seen yet You smile, you know, in a long time, or you're just kind of you're showing up to these things, but you're not fully present. And we weren't taught these tools. Right as, as children. Right? It's that toughen up, be strong, keep busy. Replace the loss, right? Oh, you broke up with someone get a new or even a dog, right? Oh, your dog died, get a new dog. All these ways that we try to intellectualize again, something that's in our hearts, it's our head trying to heal our hearts. And that doesn't work. It may be a short term fix. The biggest, you know, kind of myth we hear is it will give it time. Time heals all wounds. It does lessen pain, you know, there there is a kernel of truth in that. Yet, we all know, like I was doing my training, I had a guy next to me, he's like, it's been 50 years, that hasn't gotten better, you know. And the way to process that is to talk about it again, getting it through this bottleneck through the throat chakra. And speaking it to another person who has earned the right to hear that story. So someone that you trust that you know, can hold space for you that will not judge. critique, analyze, just again, say thank you so much. I'm so honored that you shared that with me. That is where the magic is, right? Because that is getting that energy out. We also do a lot of writing, you know, in here, because the hand I believe is a conduit between the head and heart. So if our heads trying to heal the heart, the hands really going to be what helps to honor what's in the heart as well. You know, I think I totally straight from your question.
26:38
Carla
Awesome, I really love, I really love how deep you go into. And I want to see the word healing deep into the world, you know. And I feel like the tools that you have, and especially I'd love for you to share about this workbook, because we've gone back and forth. And as we've gone back and forth, this workbook, I feel like it turned in from like, I don't know, I'm just gonna save five page PDF to now what is it 70 pages.
27:12
Tammy
I got into a flow state. But I wanted to have a very heart centered offering that's accessible for anyone because we are all dealing with something right? Again, we're coming off when we were still independent, but like we're on kind of the heels of it, we're trying to navigate. There's also all those recession, you know, like there's a lot going on. And again, it's something that we tend to keep in secret in silence. So I wanted to have a workbook that Yeah, three in the morning on a random Thursday, who here comes that wave of grief again, you can turn to this workbook. It's kind of a choose your own adventure, almost setup. So there's information, there's education, like we're talking about here, just the myths of grief, what grief is what the different types of losses are, as well as wonderful worksheets, you know, everything from I love coloring, so I have some coloring pages in there because I find that very meditative through to doing coping playlists, you know, maybe music is your way. And so what kind of songs when you play for these different emotions. It's a whole chapter there too, on emotional intelligence, again, why it's so important that we get that granularity so that we can move those emotions through easier, right? Because grief, shame are really big. So the more we can kind of pull the threads out of those tape histories, then we can process them easier. So yeah, so maybe that's why we had all those hiccups, but that's all I could have this workbook ready, you know, for your listeners say I will put a link in for that. But I'm really excited about it. I'm really proud of it. It's beautifully designed, if I do say so myself. But it's really that hearts heart offering. Yeah. Because that's what that's what the that's where the grief is right? It is in the heart.
28:57
Carla
And that's the center of your work.
28:59
Tammy
Yes, yeah. Yeah. It's it's our I believe it's more intelligent than our brains. You know, I I feel therefore my you know, I am it's more my my thought of it that it is I mean, you look at there's all the the actual science behind that as well. But the you know, I can't speak to all that. But it is there's immense intelligence there and the more we can quiet, slow down, dive in to our hearts, knowing that they're there to guide us all the time. Again, another factor installed base, our lungs and our heart can really just help to shine that light and guide us forward.
29:40
Carla
I'm so grateful for you.
29:43
Tammy
I am for you, too. I know I love these, like warm, fuzzy hug conversations.
29:50
Carla
It's been so beautiful. How can we find you Tammy? How can we work with you? How can we support you?
29:57
Tammy
Yes, you find me at inner Travel coaching.com. And basically, that's the same on all the socials, Instagram, inner travel coach, Facebook is inner travel coaching. But yeah, that's mainly where you find me and you can work with me again with the workbook. I also have a series on love letters. So again, that little exercise of where you have the letter writing between you and an emotion. I have that as a five part free email series you can sign up for. Yeah. And then of course, one to one. If you want to do that. There's I'll take you through the Grief Recovery method, which is the the evidence base step by step plan that takes you through the right you're just your hearts broken, you're not broken. It's just your hearts that we we dive into that space and help you heal that. Can you say it is a healing practice, right? Grief is always going to be a part of our lives. But what I do is help you complete the pain. It's not closure, you know? Because again, they're always going to be a part of your heart, but how can we complete the pain and put that behind us so that you can move forward? A little lighter and a little
31:04
Carla
happier? Thank you, Tammy.
31:08
Tammy
Thank you, Carla. So does happen.
31:13
Carla
And everyone listening, fine. Tammy and all of her work and today's show notes. And if this podcast resonated with you, send it to a family member, send it to a friend, post into your stories on social media. Again, you can find me it's Carla Contreras on Instagram and Tiktok. More information will be in today's show notes. I'm sending you and yours love. Bye everyone.